Process In Execution

My brain is almost always on overdrive analyzing things.  But hardly has that ever taxed me.  If there is one thing that can overload it, it would be attempting to translate the resulting action items of my thought process into an executable form that is acceptable to people impaired by narrow minds.

My frame of reference might be small.  My sampling of life experiences might be limited.  My freedom of living might be narrow.  But despite all that, I have a broad mind, even if I say so myself.

By ”broad”, I do not mean modern or knowledgeble or wise.  By ”narrow”, I do not mean traditional or mean or ignorant.  By a broad mind, I mean understanding people for what they are and accepting them as they are.  That also includes understanding yourself for what you are and attempting to be a better person than you are. 

I fall short in one capacity.  Instead of focusing my energy completely on attempting to be a better person than I am, I get distracted by looking for acceptance in my fellow beings.  Some of them, I discover are the narrow minds that I have trouble communicating with.  These narrow minds pose a problem to me not because of being narrow, but because they are deliberately closed and locked and therefore condemn and deny broader vision.

My fault is a perfect example to demostrate the following teaching:

Travel only with thy equals or thy betters; if there are none, travel alone.  – The Dhammapada

A good friend of mine wondered – why would somebody better than you travel with you?  Well, he will, if you strive to be better and succeed to be his equal.

The lesson here being, associate yourself with people who have higher standards than you.  Again, let me reinforce that a higher standard is not defined by birth, advantages, affluence or even society.  It is defined by that which is the foundation of all religion, the pioneer of philanthropy, the corner stone of philosophy – that which defines mankind – humanism. 

I am learning to move on, to consciously move away from those who do not grow in standards or grow-up, period.  Choosing the right over the wrong is a struggle – not in choice, but in action.  This is one of the action items.

I am working on it.          

Dealing With In-laws

I deem myself experienced enough to hold forth on the subject.  So if you are looking for help, let me know if the following works.

1. Your spouse/parents/sister/brother may be an angel to you.  But not necessarily as an in-law.  So you cannot force love when there is none deserved.

2. Just getting married into a family does not make you part of the family.  You have to work towards it.  Even after working on it, if you are not allowed to belong, do not worry.  The family does not deserve you.

3. You may have known someone all your life.  But their spouse may know them better than you do.  So live with it.

4. Crying does not make you an innocent and snapping back does not make you a villain.  So try not to provoke and try not to offend.

5. If you feel you were treated unfairly, then do not give them another chance to treat you unfairly again.  Keep your distance.  But be polite and kind.  Being sarcastic and waiting for opportunities to retaliate will not make you any more endearing.

6. If you are visiting on a holiday, please respect and understand that it is a holiday for your host also.  Or you may be on vacation while your host may be working.  Do not take them, their time, place or generosity for granted.

7. Respect one’s home.  You may be asked to feel at home.  But it does not make it your home.

8. A home is a place where one de-stresses.  So if you are a guest, try not to stress out your host.

9. When you want to use something of your host’s, it is only polite to ask to use the same.  The host is going to say yes even if they did not want to.  But they will be happy doing it because you respected them enough to ask.

10. Do not jump, rush and try to show yourself in a better light by intruding in a couple’s life.

11. If you have an agenda, there is nothing wrong.  But do not manipulate and pretend that the agenda was made for the other’s benefit.

12. After you have forced somebody to spend a lot of money for your amusement, do not call them close-fisted.

13. After you have spent somebody else’s money, do not call yourself generous.

14. If you want to run a home, run your own home.

15. If one has idiosyncrasies about one’s own home and space, respect that it is their right and wish to do whatever in their own home.  If you have idiosyncrasies of own, your are welcome to indulge in those, in their home, only if you do not trespass on their space.

16. Your advise is invaluable.  But it may not be wanted.  So please refrain yourself.

So I will refrain myself, for now.  But before I sign-off, just think about it.  I started off about dealing with in-laws in specific.  But it broadened into treating people in general.  After all in-laws, me and you included, are people.  It does not take a genius to figure it out.  Just treat them as you would a stranger in this civilized world.  Distant, polite, kind and with a smile.  No more, no less.

Is that too much to ask?

***UPDATE  While on the topic, here is an article that hits the nail right on the head: http://www.tellinitlikeitis.net/2008/06/how-to-get-along-with-the-in-laws-dealing-with-in-laws-and-extended-family.html.

Things That Ring Me Off

Here is a list of things that tick me off when it comes to phone conversations.

1. You call.  I am busy.  I make time for you.  I make a conversation and you do not listen to a word I say.

2. I call.  You are busy.  But you make time for me anyway.  I make a conversation.  You do not listen to a word I say.

3. I call.  You are not busy.  I make a conversation.  You are carrying on a conversation with somebody at your end.  I realise I should get off the phone.  I say maybe I should let you go.  You say, no, no.  You make a conversation.  I respond and you continue the conversation with somebody at your end.

4. I call or you call.  We have a conversation going.  You say something out of the context.  I am puzzled.  I realize you are introducing something unrelated so that whoever is listening to your side of the conversation at your end is going to be pleased with you for having said that.  I understand and I would like to help.  I try to stay on the subject that you just introduced, but you do not encourage it.  I am not amused.

To my credit, I never make calls for the sake of formalty or just because I have time to kill.  I call because I want to connect.  If you do not, then please do disconnect.  : )

And to all those I have ticked off by answering the phone but not keeping up my end of the conversation, inadvertantly or otherwise, I apologize.

I have learnt my lesson.

Rip Effect

You throw a stone in still water, ripples are only but expected.  The act of throwing a stone is over and done with in no time but it will take its own course for the ripples to settle and the stillness to return.  Metaphorically speaking, life is like that.  Newton’s laws of motion apply to emotions and actions as well.

But there are variations in your role.  Sometimes you are the water.  Sometimes you are the stone.  And sometimes you are the thrower.  Sometimes you might even be a dog that accidentally got in the way of the stone!  From each one’s point of view, there is justification.  Perhaps, a purpose.  Perhaps, even justice.  Though the last is rarely the case, if you put your mind to it and work hard enough, you can still find justice.

Whatever be the case, do not bottle up your feelings.  Even if you are judged, there will atleast be one person in this world, who, though might not agree that you are right, will understand your feelings.  One confidant, one fellowman, one soul that sees the justification in your feelings is all you need to save yourself the mental agony eroding your senses.

So go find that person to confide in.  Do not wait.  Do not think you can handle everything on your own.  If you are not able to sort out your disagreement directly with the person as you may not even agree to disagree, do not set yourself in an infinite loop of misunderstanding.  Do not foolishly think that you are a tattletale for discussing it with a third person.  Watch out when your feelings overwhelm you and do not let them destroy you.  Seek help.  If you do not, the ripple effect might rip your life apart and drive you over the edge.  But choose carefully.

Be wise.  Do not jump out of the frying pan and into the fire.  Go to a person who will understand; if you are having unkind thoughts, which is quite normal, your confidant should not encourage you to feel them anymore.  Once you feel that bond of kinship, that feeling of empathy from another soul, believe me, the black cloud will dissipate and the sun will shine.

Read William Blake’s The Poison Tree.  Take his advice and nip it in the bud.

And thank you, my mother, for being my confidant and being the gardener who cleaned up my weeds. 

Philosophically Speaking

Life really started looking up for me once I started living the belief that you have to always do the right thing.  Unfortunately, though I also believed that things have to but go right if you follow this policy religiously, I faltered.  Because I made the mistake of assuming that everybody else will also do the right thing.  Though it came as no surprise that life is not ideal, I was shocked that it was the people that I had the most trust in that seemed to let me down.

And therein lay the problem.  Not that the people let me down.  Because that, philosophically speaking, is not true, when it is I who set up that expectation and thereby set myself up to take a fall.  Let us analyse this further - generically.  Let us assume characters “A” and “B”.

1.  “A” trusts “B”.
2.  “A” does the right thing, ‘r’.
3.  ”A” is in state Happiness.
4.  “B” is in state Happiness.
5.  “B” does a thing, ‘t’.
6.  “A” cannot believe “B” would do ‘t’, especially considering ”A” has done ‘r’.
7.  “B” does not understand what all the fuss is about ‘t’.
8.  “A” never gets over it.
9.  “A” is in state Unhappiness.
10. ”B” continues in state Happiness.
11. “A” goes to state Lonely Unhappiness.

Let us assume here for a second that ‘t’ is also the right thing.  Then “A” failed to take the right path at step 8.

Now let us assume that ‘t’ is the wrong thing, the unfair thing, the unthinkable thing.  Then, where would you say that “A” faltered?  Yes, it is again, step 8.  ”A” is wronged.  That is alright.  “A” is wallowing in self-pity.  That is also alright.  ”A” is terribly misunderstood.  Yes, yes, so be it.  “A” will never forget this happened.  Okay, not a problem.  “A” blames “B”.  NO!!!!  Now, here is the most blatant mistep, if there is one -  giving up the power and control to rule the state of YOUR HAPPINESS.

So what would the solution be?  Let us hear what the ”WISE” suggests that “A” should do.  BE POSITIVE AND MOVE ON.  Right on the money!  Do I hear anybody saying “DUH!”?  Well, that was also my first reaction.  But I cannot help but agree with the “WISE”.  Was it “B”’s fault that “A” expected “B” to do the right thing that is a counterpart to ‘r’?  No.  Was it “A” who believed in always doing the right thing?  Yes.  Then what would the right thing be?

So, what would be the right thing?

Let us now substitute “ME” for “A”.  What would the right thing be?  I have no idea.  ‘t’ is irrevocable, so it has to be accepted.  Everything that can be derived from ‘t’ would plague my mind.  But I still don’t know what step 8 should be.  So, in my opinion, the right thing to do, when you have run out of right paths to take or when there is no right path in sight, would be to – NOT TAKE THE WRONG PATH.

So I will quit blaming.  And try not to do the wrong thing by taking my mind off of it and doing something productive.

Live and let live.

***UPDATE  “A” exaggerates.  “A” over-reacts.  “A” is only human.  Now the tables turn.  Substitute “ME” for “B”.

Phonetically speaking…

Atlast, I got to read Val McDermid’s “A Place of Execution”.  One of the aspects of her books that stand out, is the realistic depiction of the police enquiries, the investigation, the interrogation, the shock the victim’s kin experience when the bads news is conveyed to them; above all, it is the slow, drawn out, dragging, but relentless course of events that follow a major upheaval that is most realistic.  Thank God, it is only a book and there is an end to it; and with it, comes a conclusion.  Imagine reality… the actual agony… the stress, the wait, the unknown.  Thank God it is only a book.

Now you see why I should lay off books, especially murder mysteries.  I get too involved.  I usually prefer movies, because, at the most, it would run for 3 hours.  But a book, say, of about 500 pages, takes 2-3 days and it is impossible to move on until the last page, the last line, the last word is read.

Alright, enough about death and trauma. Speaking of which, an incident comes to my mind.  In my previous job, apart from building the tool, I was also responsible for installing and deploying the product at the client’s.  And after that, there would be occasions where I would have to troubleshoot and sometimes, instead of going over myself, I would have to walk-through somebody at the client’s to fix issues that come up. So once, on the phone, I had to tell an engineer there to reset a flag to “T”.  She couldn’t quite get what I was saying.  She asked me, “B?”.  I say, “No, ‘T’”.  She was still not sure, so I said, “It is ‘T’…”.  I racked my brain… and still straining hard, I told her, “I cannot think of a word that starts with ‘T’!”.  (I know, I know!)  She tried to help me, “Is it ‘P’ as in ‘Pig’?”  (LOL all you like, you will be ROTF soon!!)  And I said, “NO, it is ‘T’ as in ‘TRAUMA’!”  PHEW!!!!  There was complete silence at the other end. I bet, they put the call on MUTE and were rolling on the floor laughing!

I was laughing hard myself, but only in my head!  Because my job comes before my image (or the lack of it).  So I just got on with it!  The flag was dutifully reset, I did what I had to, and they did what they had to; and all was well and the status of all the transactions automatically changed to ‘S’.  Yes, ‘S’ as in “Success”!

The people at this client’s place were very kind.  I loved working with them.  My only regret is, for selfish (and cowardly) reasons, I could not even say bye or thank you to them when I left.  But I shall forever have fond memories of them, and always, wish them the best.  Through this medium, I say ‘T’ as in “THANKS” to them!

stuffed mushrooms

if you own a car, you would know how it looks everytime after a wash – as good as new.  that is how i feel after a get-together with my friend, mona.  she is an amazing personality… she exudes such positive energy that it flushes you out of whatever dump you might be in and sweeps you into a clear, optimistic, high spirit.  god bless her.  and anybody whose life she is part of – as a daughter, as a sister, as a wife, as a mother, as a friend, as an acquintace, as a co-worker, or as any connection however remote - is blessed!

so here is a recipe to celebrate friendship and people who make this world a better place to live in.  this is a combination of the best of various recipes i found at ralphs and online. 

stuffed mushroom

ingredients

• 1 pound mushrooms (white button-like variety – tasted better than brown)
• 1/2 onion (finely chopped)
• 4 garlic pods (finely chopped)
• 1 1/2 teaspoons paprika
• 1 1/2 teaspoons chilli flakes
• 1/2 teaspoon black ground pepper
• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• 2 tablespoons bread crumbs
• 1/2 (8 oz.) package Philadelphia Neufchatel cheese, 1/3 less Fat than Cream Cheese, softened
• 1/2 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
• 1 tablespoon coriander (finely chopped)

heat olive oil in a pan and saute onions, garlic and salt until onions become transluncet.  add the chilli flakes, cayenne pepper powder and black pepper powder and fry for a few minutes.  add the cheese and stir till it melts.  add the worcestershire sauce and the bread crumbs.  and stir for a couple of minutes.  the stuffing is ready!

wash the mushrooms and remove the stems.  on a baking tray lay out the mushrooms and heap in the stuffing (a little over a teaspoon in each).  sprinkle a little olive oil on top.  and bake in a pre-heated oven at 350 degree F for about 20-30 minutes until the mushrooms are cooked.  garnish with chopped coriander.

what came out of “false impression”

“…. and then, i held her while she wept.”

now i can move on; i have finished reading the book.

i love reading… fiction mostly.  but not all best sellers appeal to me.  i have read almost all of the standard list of authors that probably every average indian reads.  and even those authors, the ones still alive, dont write books in the same standard that they used to.  so it has turned out to be tough picking a book these days.  and not everybody likes the same kind of writing as you do, so it is also tough to get anybody to recommend new authors or books.

sometime back, i read “false impression” by jeffrey archer.  the characters and the circumstances were so contrived that i was curious to see if anybody even read the book to completion and if they did what they thought about the book.  so i started reading reviews of it on amazon and thus i discovered debra hamel!  here is a reviewer who simply hit the nail right on the head!  we all have favorites.  and debra hamel has become my first ever, favorite reviewer.

i totally agreed and identified with her sensibility and taste in books that it struck me - here is a way i could discover new authors!  i could just blindly pick books that she recommends in her reviews.  so i went through some of her reviews and made a list of a few books that i found interesting for which she had given 5 star ratings.

1. By The Time You Read This – Giles Blunt
2. No Time For Goodbye – Linwood Barclay
3. The Thirteenth Tale – Diane Setterfield
4. Remember, Remember – Sheldon Goldfarb
5. The Oxford Murders – Guillermo Martinez
6. The Distant Echo – Val McDermid

the second in the list is the book i just finished reading.  as debra hamel put it, it was “deliciously thrilling”!  after a long time, a book that i thoroughly enjoyed.  and the aptly titled “false impression” perfectly impressed upon me the philosophy that everything happens for a reason, and a good one at that, by indirectly leading me to a great reviewer which in turn led me to an exciting way of discovering new authors.

so i am off to the library tommorow for another from the list!

buying power

it all burns down to three square meals a day, a warm blanket and a roof over the head.  but in this ultra-modern age, we hanker after a living that provides for a lifestyle rather than a life.

today’s 4-year old is no more a smiling, baby-talking, angelic, innocent, curious child.  she/he is an english speaking, elite-school going, class-differentiating, show-cased, parent-trained rude or sulking snob.

today’s guest is no more welcomed, received, fed, entertained and seen off after exchanging pleasantries and good wishes.  he/she is treated as a trespasser but is always welcome to ogle at the wealth, if any, and take back stories of the household’s affluence.

today’s man is not just a bread-winner or a house wife or a dependent or a provider.  he/she has a high-paying job. or is too royal to work.  he/she can afford to go to a many-star hotel and talk to the waiter like they are not fit to even touch the path they have walked upon.  he/she may be running a company with a turnover of crores, but cannot afford to wait a minute in the line at the buffet and has to shove you out of the way to reach that appetizer.

respect equates to an imported extravagant car, a cool cell phone and designer clothes.  prefereably income in anything but rupees.  if in rupees, then announce that the value of USD/euro/whatever is plummeting.

yes, today we have the buying power.  but we are not looking at what we are buying ourselves into.  i am not on a spree to criticize.  i am only making observations.  i myself am one of the observed.  i am an indian, residing abroad who yearns to come back to my homeland but will claim a foreign land as my home.  that is true.  it is also true that my blood is as red as an indian or an american.  globalization also means looking at the human race as one. 

in the midst of this, i also had a chance to observe this boy of probably 8 or 9 in age.  he steps into the elevator after me.  looks like a typical dravidian – dark, no fashion sense, rural.  he politely asks me “which floor?” as he is shutting the elevator door, but before i answer somebody else runs to the elevator; the kid hurries to open the door and lets him in.  i press my floor button in the meanwhile.  my floor comes and i say thank you as i step out.  he says “you are welcome”.  this boy - this boy is who i consider “hep” - polite, civil, elite, educated, evolved - unalterated and unpolluted humane child - his parents have reason to be proud.

the number of people who probably read my blog, i can count in one hand.  even those might have lost interest in this post had i started it with “food, clothing and shelter”.

such is our day.  it is all about embellishments.

house of cards

human relationships are so delicate… like a house of cards. takes so much care and patience and determination to build. and there is always this factor – a zephyr (after all i worked so hard to cram that gre word list once upon a time!) – that can bring it all down in one whiff.

i was a socially awkward kid… i have rarely been able to have a normal interaction outside of home and school. easy at home – because i was protected. easy at school – because the territory was familiar and also we were there for a purpose – study and shine – and where does making small talk figure in that! so you see, left alone i was a gauche blunderer in the highest degree. so… with regards to houses of cards… i was not just a gentle breeze… i was a bull in a china shop!

there was this cousin (distant in the way we are related) who lived in the same town as i. she was a very nice girl, elder than me and she treated me as her own sister. you see i felt affection for her and respected her a lot… but when i was talking to her (in person) all i would do was nod vigorously and grin from ear to ear. you see, i have always believed that you may not be able to say the right words but you could always smile… and since a smile was my only medium i would put my best effort and stretch it as far as i could! and since i am straining so hard to give the best smile the tension would show on my face. hee hee yeah i am lying… the strain and the tension was the fear that it might become imperative for me to respond in words anytime in the course of the conversation!

so though i had known my cousin for a long time, i had never really gotten to know her or had a chance to interact with her until i was in my 12th grade (yeah i know i really stretched the truth when i said i was a kid!) she knew i liked reading books so she would loan me hers. she knew i was researching about colleges and courses to join since i had just then finished my 12th and she was always there to advice. so naturally she wanted to help me when i wanted a computer. mind you she was doing a masters herself in computer applications and she was knowledgeable and also had contacts she could refer.

rewinding a little backwards…. since we dont get to meet face to face often she would regularly call and keep in touch and extend her help. and there was a time when my mother had put the milk to boil and went to the restroom. that was when she had called. the milk boiled and cooker’s whistle screamed and screamed and i simply couldnt bring myself to interrupt the conversation to say that i had to step away for just a second to switch off the cooker. the whistle’s insistence brought my mom rushing out and now it was her turn to scream at me to find what i was doing that i couldnt even trouble myself to shut the blasted thing off! and ofcourse i didnt respond cos i was still on the phone! hee hee! guys i know! you dont understand… but that is the way it was, believe it or not! there is more to come….

so back to talking about buying a computer… on the phone, she was telling me about shops that her friends had bought assembled computers from and she was advising me about the configurations, etc, etc. i was touched. i was yet to get the green signal from dad to buy a computer and i was annoyed that he still hadnt decided. and here was my cousin… she had gone to such trouble… and i was very touched. but note that i am touched but she has no way of knowing. and i wanted her to know that i appreciated.

lub….. dub…. lub…. dub…. so my brave heart decides it will show her its appreciation. and from that moment onwards in the conversation, i was working myself up about slipping in a sentence pouring out my thanks. lub… dub… lub… dub… but wait a minute… i dont know how to do that… LUB..DUB..LUB..DUB.. LUBDUB.. LUBDUB.. my mind is working overtime too… it is phrasing sentences… checking context… then tells itself it wont just say thanks like my heart wanted but it will also offer the use of the computer for her academic work whenever she wants it when the computer is bought… LOOKS LIKE THE MOMENT HAS COME TO SAY MY PART… LUDUBLUDUBDLUDUB…. CUE… HERE IT GOES… I AM NERVOUS BUT THE VOICE IS CLEAR AND FIRM “so you can use it too”.

OOOOPPS!!! CRASHHH!

after that i pretended i hadnt said anything… she didnt give the slightest indication that i had said THAT. she said very kindly that she had to go. and she hung up in goodwill. now she wouldnt have done that if i had said that, right? RIGHT? my heart screams… but my mind pretends nothing has happened. she never called back. after 2 MONTHS… my mind agrees with my heart that it will face the consequences. i call her… she talks just as usual. kind and… i cant define that virtue. she is not even like… forgiving… she must obviously be hurt… but she would not take offense. the bible or i dont know who, says that the biggest punishent you can give your wrong doer is by forgiving them. but she said… “i look at you as i do my sister” and that was all that mattered to her.

guys… i never told her what was happening in my head. the damage was done. and it is difficult for anybody to understand that a smart and intelligent person could actually be this muddle headed.

i can never undo what i did but i hope somebody understands. and hema akka… how i wish you could read this… though i am afraid i am as bad at writing as i was when i talked over the phone then. but this shall stay on the blog.

this is my confession of how i brought down a house of cards.